Coming Out as a Femme Lesbian

I (Kaitlin) came out as a lesbian when Steph and I first started dating. I had just turned 22 years old, and it was a hugely transformative time in my life. Steph was my first girlfriend, and our relationship threw me into a whole new world. It was overwhelming, intimidating, and difficult to navigate at times. At the beginning, I experienced a lot of “firsts”. My first time dating a girl, my first time meeting other gay women, and my first Pride as an out lesbian.I had regularly attended Pride celebrations in my home city of Vancouver, but it had always been with my gay male friends, and straight female friends. I also spent a number of years working at Pride as a performer, and experienced tons of fun weekends on stage dancing with drag queens. I always had a blast, and I always felt comfortable in that space. However, when it came time to attend Pride as a lesbian with my new girlfriend, I was filled with anxiety.Steph and I had been dating for 6 months when our first Pride together rolled around. She had been my only reference for lesbian things, and I’d spent the last half of a year taking a crash course. We binge watched The L Word, I met her gay hockey teammates, and I tried to get to know other lesbian couples. I entered this new world tentatively, and I really didn’t know if I would ever feel comfortable in it.When I was introduced to people in the community, they usually didn’t care to even learn my name. Steph was my first girlfriend, I was in my early twenties, and I’m as femme as they come. All of these truths seemed to mean that I didn’t belong. It appeared as though everyone thought I was going through a college age “phase”, and that poor Steph was going to have her heart broken. Inside, I was bursting to defend myself. I knew I had finally figured out who I was, and being with Steph just felt right. Of course at that time, I didn’t know for sure we would live happily ever after (spoiler alert - we did!), but I knew I wanted to be with her. And I knew I was gay.I present as very feminine, and it made it impossible to convince anybody that I belonged. I grappled with a constant need to prove my gayness, and tried to wiggle my way into a community I so desperately wanted to be a part of. Up until that point in my life, I had never felt a strong sense of belonging. I’d dated men and had a couple of boyfriends, but I always felt different because I liked girls. When I met Steph and came out as a lesbian, I think I just expected to waltz across a rainbow and be welcomed by the gay community with open arms. I was really startled when that didn’t happen.During my first Vancouver Pride with Steph, we attended a big lesbian party together. I stressed about what to wear and how to act, and I was nervous to be around so many other gay women. At the party, I managed to get hit on by a straight guy (don’t ask me why he was even there). Steph jumped in to explain that we were a couple, and I remember feeling like a complete imposter.In the years following, Pride continued to be a worrying time for me. I always wanted to just relax and enjoy myself, but I would often end up feeling emotional and withdrawn. I struggled to own my space in the community, and to include myself when I didn’t feel included by others. I was in constant fear that everyone thought I was a fraud. I would tear up watching the parade each year, knowing that being gay was a huge part of me, even if nobody else could see it.It’s been 8 years since my first Pride weekend with Steph, and I would be lying if I said that these feelings don’t still come up. Though today, I think I can finally say that I don’t feel the need to change who I am to fit into the club. People might always assume that I’m straight. Men may never believe that I have a wife. Other lesbians may still think that I’m too femme to belong. And I think I’m okay with it all. I’ve learned so much about myself in these past 8 years, and I’ve learned to love and accept myself in ways that I never thought possible.I love that I’m a feminine woman who loves women. I love that I’m married to an incredible woman. I love that I’ve been in a monogamous same-sex relationship for 8 and a half years, and it’s been the healthiest, most fulfilling relationship I could have ever dreamed of. I’ve learned to claim my space in a community that I’m incredibly proud to be a part of. I’ve learned that I don’t need permission from anyone to feel like I’m gay enough. I don’t need anyone’s approval, and I don’t need to fit anybody’s idea of what a lesbian is or should be.Last year at Vancouver Pride, Steph and I attended that same lesbian party. It was the first time I ever wore a dress to a Pride event, and I showed up unapologetically as my femme self. I am a part of the community because I decide to be a part of it. I’ve found acceptance because I’ve accepted myself. This year and every year following, I’m going to remind myself that I do belong.